It’s mid-2006. It’s been several months since I ran into the corner of a wall in my house at 2AM on Christmas Day. That was one of the days/nights that changed my life drastically. Anyway, I am now on another alcoholic binge. These binges just seemed to be getting worse and worse. A close friend came to help, Patrick is an Alcoholic and had been through the AA Program, he’s a super caring guy and wanted to help me. Patrick took me to my first AA Meeting, what a shock that was for me. There were about 30 people in that room when we arrived. Never having attended one of these meetings I was amazed at the sea of faces. Different ethnicities, guys and girls, age differences, backgrounds. I would soon learn that there was just one common bond, addiction. But, I was not going to have any of this AA stuff, after all, I wasn’t an addict. In fact, I’ve never thought of myself as an addict. I had tried different drugs throughout my life, I always just stopping when I decided to stop, I just never liked or wanted to feel out of control. This alcohol thing had become a new problem that I just couldn’t stop, it was totally overwhelming. Alcohol had me in its clutches.
My reaction at that first meeting was very telling, this was something I would learn about myself later on. First of all, I consider myself a Christian, meaning that I espouse Christian values. On the wall behind the Secretary of the meeting was a list of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are a lot of biblical principals behind the AA steps. As I read those steps I came to a typically self-righteous conclusion. I told myself ‘I already know those steps and traditions, I do not want to be around these weird people and I do not need this. I am not ever coming back to an AA meeting again.’ Here I was, obviously an Alcoholic. However I had gotten here, even if it was because of a TBI, I am an Alcoholic, but do you think that through my foolish pride I could admit that now? That wasn’t happening. There was no way that I could possibly be an addict. How wrong I was.
After my injury and concussion, I had been seeing a Doctor that had agreed that I did indeed have a concussion and thought that it would heal with time. Meanwhile, I needed to get the drinking under control. The initial protocol would include medications, also slowing of activities including working and exercise. I would need psychiatric help, outpatient, through the services covered by the provider and attending AA meetings including finding a Sponsor (AA lingo for a mentor). It’s important to know that I am generally proactive and I wanted to heal. I did not like what was happening to me. I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t feeling like myself and I wanted the old self back. How would I get this life back if I didn’t listen to my advisors and work hard at it? So I took the suggested path, I found several AA groups that I began to attend and found a sponsor. As I write this I am laughing at myself, I never thought AA was for me. I was very wrong, I’ve found that the AA community is the most loving, supportive, and forgiving group that I have become associated with. In fact, I’ve found a valued and loving friend in my Sponsor. Wally has truly become a gift in my life. The values these guys espouse are amazing and I’ve learned more than I ever had anticipated.
So as I mentioned, this story will tend to bounce around. The story starts here because AA is a foundational part of my recovery just as my faith in a Higher Power is. Step 3 is pivotal.
Step 3: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
I know our Higher Power cares for us. As the teaching from AA says, step 3 calls for ‘affirmative action’. It is only by action that we can cut away the self-will that has always blocked the entry of God into our lives. Some of the problems that hit us throughout life are beyond our control. A little, or in this case a lot, of intervention, can’t hurt. In my case, I have not wavered in my faith. Even though the worst of my pain, I have believed that God would help me through the turmoil. I believe that while God doesn’t want us to suffer, it is through pride, self-will and our free will that we continue to do so. When we seek God’s will, we can find the path to healing. A large part of my recovery had to do with my support system. God is there, Gina and my family have been there, AA is there, and to this point in my life, the doctors thought they were there. However, the doctors that were given the charge of caring for my TBI had gone down the wrong path in my healing. As my story continues I will share the stories and the outcomes. It hasn’t always been fun, in fact, there were some crazy events but sometimes we have to look for the humor in things. In fact, as I look back some of the stories are absolutely crazy and whe we talk about them seem humorous and we can laugh. But, at the time they were anything but humorous. Here is a line I’ve always tried to remember. It’s a line someone once told me, ‘If your glass is half full find a smaller glass, fill it up with the water from that larger glass’. I never forgot that.
My next post will be a difficult one. As part of the TBI, Post Traumatic Disorder popped its ugly head. You will soon know why and understand. The PTSD event led me to my first recovery center and there I found one of the most important mentors I have yet to meet.
My Battle With TBI and Addiction 