It’s been quite a while since the major concussion, just over a year. I keep telling myself that I am doing well, but that’s a lie. I haven’t been 100% for quite a while now. Outwardly, and if you didn’t really know me I probably seemed like I was on my game. My family knows differently. I remember my oldest speaking of a friend who had a major concussion. He didn’t know him well but the story led him to believe that the consequences were long-lasting and resulted in nothing good. The drinking continued but I had been able to hide it, to the best of my ability. When I look back now, I do not know how it is possible to hide an addiction. I realize now that everyone knows, or at least suspects something just isn’t right.
It’s a Saturday night, warm weather in Northern California so we went to a little Italian restaurant with outdoor seating. It was one of our favorite places. We asked our kids to come along and ordered family style That night, during our conversations I brought up the subject of my purchase of a new truck. The old Expedition had given out and it was time to splurge on a new truck. I showed the kids a picture, a Chevrolet Z-1 with a club cab. Brittni, (my new daughter) asked a great question, “What do you do if you have a Grandchild?”. You need a four-door. I checked that one away and when Monday morning came around I headed to the dealership and they had a Four-Door Z-1 on the lot. I told the sales guy that I would take it! I took a picture, texted it to Brittni, and wrote to her ‘I did my part! Well, guess what, a month later she called to say they were pregnant. What is better than that!
So, during this last year great things were happening and the best thing happening was that my Oldest was having his first baby! I’m not sure but (and it’s a guy thing), he did all the work, my new daughter just had to deliver :-). Anyway, my emotions were riding high and I just didn’t know why I was feeling the way I was. Anxiety was high and I was short with just about everyone. I never felt this behavior before. There were times that I had been overreactive but now little things would just amp me up and I would overreact, not letting people that I came into contact with share their concerns or thoughts. All of this was invariably going to become a problem. I just didn’t know it yet. As a result of my Brain Injury, the difficulty was just beginning. Next, is the first event that TBI brought my way:
It was a beautiful day in early spring (I think). A very normal day, sun through the windows, standing in my family room. Suddenly I was overtaken: I was back on the freeway, not in my family room. All I could see were the events that took place several years earlier. This was my first PTSD event and was suddenly completely engulfed in the past. I wrote the following years ago, this is how it went…..
Our day went as normal as a Saturday usually does. I remember thinking that it had been a busy summer and tonight Gina and I would get the unusual event of staying home and watching a movie together. After dinner, the kids were off and Gina and I planted ourselves on the couch, started our movie, and were relaxing. That’s when it happened. At about 10PM our doorbell rang which is something that is very odd at our home. For over twenty years we’ve had an open-door policy, simply put, the door was never locked and everyone knew our home was open for them. I hopped off the couch and trotted down the stairs, swung open the door. There stood five or six kids, one of them was one of Nick’s closest friends who blurted out to me that Nick had ‘ just rolled the Camaro on 92’. I went into quick mode, ran up the stairs. I yelled to Gina and told her exactly what the kids had just said to me. Then I said grab your shoes! for some reason, my default said I needed to get boots on. Frantically Gina and I ran to our expedition, got in and raced towards highway 92.
(Highway 92 has always been a dangerous roadway. Years of living near this road have given us cause to warn our kids about their safety when they are traveling on it. Generally speaking, if you don’t need to take the road then don’t. It’s a case where a combination excessive speed and lower than normal speeds can wreak havoc and there have been numerous accidents because of this dynamic.)
As we veered onto the highway we traveled east for less than a mile when all we saw were lights. It was as bright as could be. Thinking back, in all my travels on this road I’ve never seen it lit up like this. At this point, my adrenaline is reaching its peak and I am working completely on instinct. We are looking across the highway and we see Fire Trucks, Police Cars and Ambulances that seem to be backed up forever. I don’t remember saying anything to Gina but she was shouting something to me and I am still not sure of what she was saying. I watched for traffic, ran across the highway, and when I reached the center median I jumped over. I was in complete panic mode and running on adrenaline but stopped to survey what I was seeing. In the sequence, I saw an ambulance, a passenger car in the slow lane with people still in it, a couple of police cars, and then the Camaro upside down on its top. There was smoke coming from the engine compartment. Just behind the Camaro was a yellow tarp, immediately I knew it was Nick. Everything after that was blurred to some extent except for that I had seen more ambulances and Fire Trucks parked further along down the highway. I ran towards the tarp, ‘I want to see my son’. Immediately I was accosted by a police officer, then another. At first, it seemed like they thought I was a maniac, they subdued me I’m sure they had no idea of who I was. They slammed me against a police car, cuffed me and put me inside a police car. All the while I screamed that I just wanted to see Nick and tried to explain that my wife Gina was still in our SUV on the other side of the freeway. I wanted Gina safe but that was now out of my control. All I know is she’s scared.
I’m not so sure how long I was in the police car but it seemed like an eternity. I’m locked in, no way to communicate with anyone. As I try to evaluate what’s going on and I realize that my mouth has gone dry, there is no saliva. I’m told that he first sign of shock is a dry mouth, difficulty in breathing and my mind is racing. All I know is everything is out of control and I want out of this car.
I cannot tell you how long it took but finally, an officer opens the door and he has Gina with him. I step out and the officer removes the handcuffs. As we stand together another officer explains what he believes are the events that occurred. Nick and two friends were speeding up the highway when they came upon slower traffic, Nick changed lanes and came upon even slower traffic when he turned his wheel, hit some gravel on the roadside. The loose gravel was enough to flip the car. Nick’s belt wasn’t secure and he was thrown from the car and died shortly after impact.
There were also two of Nick’s friends in the car. Fortunately, they were buckled in and survived with slight injuries. Emotionally, they are going to feel the impact of this accident for the rest of their lives. For Gina and me, there is a lot that goes through your mind when something like this happens. That night Gina and I had learned that these two boys were going to be OK, that was comforting. Losing Nick, that was devastating.
We were placed in the back of a police car and driven home, one of the officers drove our SUV home for us. On the drive Gina and I didn’t talk much, it was pretty hard to just breathe and swallow. As we arrived home there were already people in front of our house, the grieving was just beginning.
This is what a TBI brought to me on this day. It brought me back to that night on Highway 92. It placed all of this in the forefront of my mind. It was all I could see….. I was back on the freeway with Nick.
Then I came out of that vision. Another started and all I could see was my oldest son holding his boy, his newborn son, and looking into his eyes. My grandson was named after his uncle. All I could do was cry, my thoughts went to Anthony. I called him and all I could say was “Don’t ever let that boy out of your site’. I had lost Nick, I didn’t want Anthony to feel the same pain that I had felt.
So TBI brought this past event to the forefront of my mind, in high definition. Things were getting worse before they were getting better. I needed help but what we didn’t realize is that now I was dealing with TBI, Addiction and PTSD. Yes, things are getting worse. As I look to these events I can see that God had his hand in my healing all along although it wouldn’t be healing in my timeline but his. I was about to enter my first recovery center. At Los Gatos Recovery Center I would meet one of the most amazing people to ever enter my life. It would be the first step in my healing process.
My Battle With TBI and Addiction 